Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
