well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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