I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
