I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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