shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Houston, we have a blender
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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