girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
