This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
