i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
