I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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