we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
