Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
