You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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