I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
