Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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