Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He felt like a one man threesome
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
