It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
