Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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