Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
