I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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