Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
