My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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