tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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