I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
