I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
