oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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