Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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