do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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