I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
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