you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
