My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
