i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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