please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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