How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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