You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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