I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
