from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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