After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
