No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
