I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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