you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
