I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
