Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he fucked my hip out of place.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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