I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
