Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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