I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
