of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
