Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
