I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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