4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
