listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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