A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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